LIfe

7 txt msgs that'll keep my heart intact till his return...

before anythin else. lemme give u a short update.

monthsary gift (late gifts.hehe) but late man sad ako.

whats inside the box.
1 pillow
1 boxer shorts - worn on the pillow (eye brow raising)
1 cross na necklace
1 letter
1 picture - inside the letter

his explainations and words that made my heart afloat

1. "isa na sku fav boxers. gi buy ku na ang pillow k nahan kug snoopy sa bta pku. hope u lyk it."
2. "haha. gyud. aku gi sprayhan nina. glad u like it b" - it had his smell..
3.Bsn masuko imo mama na na rosary b.hehe. aku na daan na rosary, pirmi na nku gadadun pag mag travel ku. it makes me feel safe. hatag nku nmu para safe ka sku huna2 pirmi - i've been bringing that same old cross with me. it did made me feel safe. .. and secured. :)
4. "og aku diay na lates pic. gnina lang ku pakudak.hehe. (07/27/08)" - the pic made me laugh the most.haha. even when i was bursting with tears
5. "i will b. nag promise ku na ill come bck in one piece. and ill kip that promise" - when ur the one who's being left behind thats where the biggest impact is... being alone. feeling alone. this is the 1st time i felt this way. i sobbed and sobbed on. i didnt want to explain. didnt want to say goodbye. didnt know what to do..
6. "ana gid ku mag sulat og letter b. pero la na lain meaning ana. its an expression of my love 4 u" - the letter was dim-poetic. it pierced my soul.
7. "ditto... i want u 2 b a part of my life. forever. . I love u so much" - and i love him too.. 

Paint me Sober

Paint me sober

 

Tired of feeling and falling

Stressed of loosing, failing

Tears seem to mock me

Life seem so down

You are so near me

Yet then again none

 

Depressed and tortured

Misguided and confused

Feelings of mix emotions

Unravel every step of the way

None seem to point in one direction

Mystifies the decisions I make

 

My soul longs for completeness

My heart so perplexed

It left only my bones to ponder

My skin melted away in the darkness

I have nothing to face you

I have so much to fear

 

You give me many reasons worth living

Yet each of those I cannot do

For everything that is to know bout you

There is also everything that defies me of you

Then again I am nothing

Then why should I care?

 

Is it the heart that keeps beckoning?

The mind that echoes every time I hear your name?

Or is it when two conflicting thoughts battle

And a heart that is so numb

The feeling to go on onward

And the pain that says he’ll ignore

 

The feeling that you might win when you fight

The second thought of “what if” you wont

The feeling of success none-the-less

Yet the feeling of embarrassment if you will

The sentiment of being rejected

The outlook of not doing anything at all…

 

It drives u nuts

It makes you crazy

Yet everything is in your hands

You do the math

Your own assignment; your own formula

Your own life.

adios!

I get attached too easily…

That’s what has been pullin’ me down

So I light the last candle

That’s keepin’ my life alive

I’ll go back to my pitch black world

And you’ll never see me glow

Adios! I say goodbye

Tomorrow you’ll see a different smile

One who’ll mock, one that’s numb

One which dwells in nothingness

A puzzle unbreakable that can kill you with one grin

You’ll never have me caged with those sweet embrace

No.

I once buried myself in the grave

But I’ve pulled myself up with these bare hands

I’ve bled a lot

I felt terrible pain

I’m not diggin’ again

Not takin’ chances for second times

Not now that I’ve learned how to fight and get even

 

Oct 4, 07

destined...

Sometimes life is not everything that it seams. Some people will live out their lives completely untouched and ignored by the forces at work. However, some people are destined for great things .Often times the greatness of people is overlooked, they are singled out, leaving them alone and ridiculed. Yet these are the people that are truly strong. It is these people who will stand up. It is these people who will fight for everyone's freedom.

They are tough. They are proud. And they have no fear.

love can also die

Can a song bleed?

Pain seemed to flow all over

Hearts can stop beating

Love cannot be forever binding

Love can also die

 

Can my mind freeze?

Thoughts can go on and on

But thoughts can be poisoned

It could be a mirage

Love can also die

 

Can life be taken away?

Fire a gun will you not get wounded?

Cut yourself. Will blood not drip??

Say not goodbye if you won’t disappear.

Love can also die

i hide through shadows of nothingness

Nothing…

 

Flowers bloom

It shivers then die

The moon lights at night

Then vanishes at daybreak

 

Lovers come

Lovers go…

People laugh

And cry a thousand folds

 

People dream

But that’s the end of it

They strive to live

Yet die in vain

 

Same twist and turns

Same pain, same burns 

Were clowns wearing masks

Pretending…

Living…

Lying…

 

It’s not what it seems

Not all are real

Even love can be faked

Hope dwindling in mid air

 

I love you

I miss you

But then all I see are my reflections

Not one part of you shivers when I say the word

 

I am like a puppet longing for a master

But none, not one wants to take me in

For I to them am not worth it

A mistake…

A hindrance…

Something that need be forgotten

 

 

 

 

 

Light my candle....

Light my candle

 

 

Burn my heart

Spread its ashes

Give it wings to take flight

Release it from eternal bandage

 

May my love not be spent in vain

But may it go to the far ends of the world

Seeing through the sands of times how love blooms…

How it dies yet sweetly

 

Light a candle in the midst of a dark lake

See how it struggles to shine?

See the scars I bear in its name

Aren’t sacrifices worth it just to see one smile?

 

Fading… I’m fading…

But will not my memory live on?

My feelings are real

Will you remember?

 

Can you still feel the gush that burns from my lips?

My sweetest embrace,

My warmest words of care,

My throbbing love for you?

 

May it not fall out of pity

Or lust and want

May it be of need and pure living

You mean the world to me…

 

 

by urs truly^^,

feel the moment

Lock you’re arms around me

Let me feel you for the first time

I want to feel that glowing warmth

That has been calling my name all these years

 

Have I met you before?

They say a heart beats faster if it recognizes some old acquaintance

Could it be that before I met you I’ve already known you?

Could you call this fate? Destiny maybe?
or just inevitable

 

Have you noticed that same nagging sensation?

That you want to get closer and know me bit by bit?

It’s like a magnet

Draws me closer and closer to you

 

I can’t keep this feeling inside me forever

So hold me like you’ve never hold anyone before

Never let go for if you do

I might just take wings and float away…

Drift far, far away

 

Close your eyes

Feel the moment

Don’t let it slip by unnoticed

Give it a chance

 

Try to give in

Don’t fight the raging feelings inside you

Let me tell you

This is real. Its real… and I love you

kiss me my sweet

Kiss me my sweet

I’m waiting in vain

Waiting helplessly

Till the day you’re touch reach me

And release the chains that locks the wings that binds my heart

 

I’m but a lonesome soul in this world

Lost in bitter sweet dreams

Scared to face reality

Scared to cry

Ashamed to try

 

In your eyes I see a bright tomorrow

I see a future

I see my memories being reconstructed

Into the best foundation

I know it will stand through the waves of time

 

In your heart I see purity

I feel trust

I know I’ll live without regrets

I know I’ll look up and smile my way through

I never doubted it. Never did

 

Kiss me my sweet

That’s all I ever ask of you

Let me feel the warmth

And the glowing sensation that no one could ever give me

No one but you

 

the eve of valentines day

 One step at a time, I took the liberty to succumb every single moment with the guy I have fallen in love with. I didn’t want to get to our destination and so I lagged a little. I wanted to stop time but alas, we have reached the end of the road. There, squeaking silently in front of us was the gate of once was the entrance to a graveyard now transformed into a dormitory that I called home. The bamboo danced and moaned along with the wind as I took three steps forward to disappear fully into the darkness. It was a still and lonely night. A dog’s howl was heard signaling that it was time for people to be in their beds. At that very moment the wind began to blow my hair off as if gesturing me to look up to the heavens. I brushed my hair backward as it pulled away from my scalp and fallowed the winds direction. I looked up and felt my spine’s vibration. There laid a surprise valentine’s gift from the Lord. I gasp not out of fear or horror but in awe and shock. How can the sky be painted in red at the middle of the night? Was I hallucinating? Was I dreaming? I was a bit confused. Science never explained this to me [or maybe I wasn’t listening to my teacher at that time]. I turned around star struck towards him with a blank look on my face. He was also head high starring up in the sky. Then, he slowly adjusted his gaze downwards until we met eye to eye and fixed his view on me. His eyes were gently laid and I felt fragile. He then whispered “amen” and flashed a loving grin. He walked closer, and closer, and closer ‘till we were five inches apart. I felt a tingle brushing from the back of my head down to my tiny toes. He was fun, hilarious and noisy and not like this – a man whom you cannot read. He was all new to me. Someone I never thought to be. He was a mystery yet to be solved.

 His eyes tell the wonders of his soul. The way it projected got me believing that men do fear. Fear of being known and psychoanalyzed. Fear of watching their own feelings get snatched away all because they haven’t got the courage to voice out how they really feel towards the person so special to them. The hardest part is saying your feelings – even for me. You fear being rejected, criticized, laughed at, and be humiliated especially to the one you love. But if you would not follow your heart’s grievance and it’s desire would you feel contented? Would you feel the success that it drives? Or would you feel guilty to yourself by not prioritizing the tone of your heart but rather keeping it locked and chained deep within you. You would feel like a looser and would blame yourself for the rest of your life. Being silent and letting opportunities pass you by would pain you more than the words you cannot find the courage to speak.

 He was cautious in every breath and every action that he made. His every move seemed to have been sorted out piece by piece. Everything he did have been well planed. He was still as the waters but fierce as its’ waves. And like the mellow grass that is green, he would wait silently and patiently ‘till the next force that will come his way. Then he would take his move. He was calm in every sense possible. And I felt relief and was comfortable with him. I felt inner peace. He wasn’t the type of person who would get rattled over something so shallow or in situations where in you have to make tough and wise decisions. He was critical and analytical. He thinks before he speaks though sometimes he gets so carried away with words.

 His mood was unpredictable like the sky that surrounds us day and night. I had no idea what he was about to say or do. And though there were twitches of thoughts that would drop by my mind I would easily erase them all because I didn’t want to hope nor try to expect something that might never come. Was my mind that clouded or was it full of this and that? My head was pouring out questions that were left unanswered. Tell me a person [a woman] who can read [really read] a young man’s thoughts [what he’s thinking, planning, and scheming] at the back of his/her hand given a situation where in he’s wearing a void expression on his face and I’ll tell you who that person really is. Could you really be that gifted? – Well, yeah if you like sprung from the seed of the goddess of the future or whatever! Everyone has his/ her very own secret that we’ve been keeping for quiet a long time [or short]. This secret would only be known when you would willingly share your treasured feelings to someone whom you believe you can depend on.

 His voice was cryptic that it gave me the chills. It sounds true and firm. It seems to open a doorway inside a persons feelings [though off limits sometimes]. I was given the honor to look inside his heart, venture inside his thoughts, and rest inside his soul. And at the center was a tiny astral of himself coiled with arms rapped around it. It seems that it was waiting for someone. Longing for someone’s love and attention. Someone who would take him for who he really is. When he saw me, he [it – the astral] stood up, and swung his hands wide open signaling me to come closer and set him free from the bondage that had kept him from venturing into the world. And I did so and found out that love can indeed tame even the fiercest beasts within us. As we began to collide in each other’s arms I felt connected. I felt the breeze of being one. I found the other part of me that was missing. He was the answer. The missing piece! I know I would be happy with him. I felt the burning sensation of love.

 That night, with the angels as his witnesses and God as his judge, he spoke his real feelings to me,” would it be possible for a slave to ever fall in love with his goddess and his goddess to ever fall in love with her slave?” It was possible! Very possible!